Puzzled into Pieces

My thesis
Nothing more than a statement stamped irrelevant
I thought I was one of God’s enlightened children
Someone should have told me that shit was a lie
Meanwhile, the devil whispers songs of joy, happiness, and ambition
Aversion to submission
Telling me on bended knees my pleas go unanswered
Infecting my soul like cancer
Using everything aesthetic as an anesthetic
Numb to the idea of Jesus
Like those Jews, persecuted for nothing more than being
Trapped in the fragmented visions of what others are seeing
Eyes, lips, breasts, hips
Fantasies of me naked amongst flowers, or dressed in leather with whips
I strive to create a reality separate from the one those around me diligently fashion
A reality that involves all of the voluptuous promise exhibited in my physical
But also encompassing the boundless power of my soul in its glory
I try to help those who care to know,
Sift through all of the psychological, emotional, and spiritual debris
To put together the pieces of me...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

A Welcome Wound

Oh to awaken next to the man who makes my soul yearn
My body burn
And my emotions churn
I would risk hellfire
The worst of God's ire
To spend those blissful moments with you
While you do what you do so well
Those journeys to heaven that fall so swiftly down to hell
A consuming desire for you has spread throughout my body and soul
Like cancer
You are both the question
And the answer
Regarding the riddle of my needing
Besides penetrating my body, you penetrate my heart and leave it bleeding © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Winter's Heart

You were like summer to the frozen wasteland of my heart
You brought with you lusty life, the heat of passion and fun
But soon enough, with my careless words, selfishness, and indifference
Your smiles, hopes and desire
As nourishing to me as drops of warm rain
Became desiccated...
Until they fell away like Fall leaves
I summoned oceans of your tears
Tasted their salty bitterness
Until you left me
Again winter cold
With the seeds of regret and pain biding their time
Until the hot glare of acceptance
Melts the ice-encrusted mulch of my heart
Allowing them to grow and spread, like a plague© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

A Lot Like Love

I was alone, used to standing strong
Always feeling like I never quite belonged
I drifted from day to day and place to place
Looking for that special something in every passing face
I didn't find it, and thought I never would
I learned to settle for less, and called it good
But one night out, I met you
And somehow, something in me knew
I had found something both precious and rare
I was drawn to you, but I was also scared
Filled with desire, joy and hesitation
I tried my very best to control the situation
But the attraction ended up controlling me
I got so high off of you that I could no longer see

I found comfort in your arms
Acceptance in your eyes
Pleasure in your charm
Truth instead of lies
We somehow fit together like hand in glove
In so many ways, it was a lot like love

Time flew by, as it always will
Eventually that high went straight downhill
I started focusing more on the negative things
And felt the restlessness that constant togetherness can bring
I liked to read and you liked to watch TV
You preferred to play basketball while I preferred to ski
I liked to push and you liked to pull
I became empty of desire while you still remained full
Soon enough, we were limping along
Our bond grew so weak, when once it had been so strong
On so many issues we couldn't agree
You wanted a commitment, but I wanted to be free
I made the decision to let you go
And it was harder to do than you will ever know...

I had found comfort in your arms
Acceptance in your eyes
Pleasure in your charm
Truth instead of lies
We used to fit together so well, like hand in glove
In so many ways, it had been a lot like love

Being alone again eventually turned to being with someone new
And one day my thoughts turned to the past, as thoughts sometimes do
I started to remember all of the fun you and I had had
And I realized that all of the bad times weren't really so bad
Time and perspective allowed me to see things more clearly
I had made a mistake, and it had cost me dearly
I reached out to you, but you had moved on
That bond we once had was truly gone
I wished that I could take so much back
I wished that I could again travel that bygone track
Because you had been the closest thing to perfect for me
You weren't just what I wanted, but what I had NEEDED you to be
All I could do was let go and wish you the best
And work on relieving the pain that burned down deep in my chest

I had found comfort in your arms
Acceptance in your eyes
Pleasure in your charm
Truth instead of lies
We used to fit together like hand in glove
But I realized too late, that it had truly been love © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Dedicated to B.T.C.

God's Amazing Grace

When we first met, I was drawn against my will
Because when your eyes gazed into mine, I felt that instant thrill
Like the moon and tide, there was an irresistible pull
I ate up all your sweet words and never seemed to get full
The more I saw of you, the more of you I needed
So much so, that all the warnings I gave to myself went unheeded
You were warmth and tenderness wrapped in a gorgeous package
But you definitely came with a WHOLE LOT of baggage
My head entered into a terrible battle with my heart
Until my peace of mind was simply shredded, torn apart
Looking at you was like looking into Lucifer's terribly beautiful face
But the way you made love, well, it felt like God's amazing grace...
I didn't know what to do about feelings so immense
I was mesmerized, lost in a sweetly seductive trance
Even when you weren't inside of me, you were
Everything but you became a hazy insubstantial blur
I realized quickly that it was all way too much for me
And despite your many...gifts, you weren't the man I needed you to be
But I kept on dealing with you, even though I knew it wasn't smart
Because I felt so incomplete every time we were apart
Time went on, and the knife went in deep
You were what I didn't want to be without, but also what I didn't want to keep
Eventually, something had to give
Going back and forth was no way for either of us to live
In time you went your way, and I went mine
At first I felt some serious pain, but eventually I was fine
I can't honestly say that I don't have some regrets
But I can say that my time with you is something that I never want to forget...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Dedicated to MA also known as BG :-)

Lost

He lost his soul's reflective properties
All for the hope of a smile
Every glistening kiss
And every dark caress
Was another shard lost
Stalling to save space and time in her/their mystery
He would think that he had found a place to become situated
Then, evicted and convicted of crimes of which he had a close association
Accused and abused, his soul sold to the lowest bidder
Collector of broken, once-cherished things
He would be bitter about the situation
Lying in contemplation
He wondered why he was forced to wallow in the mire of deliberate deceit
Thoroughly crafted through time with selfish conceit
Which so righteously justified
And with straight face...lied
But what prophet could predict a soul deficit
Of such amazing proportions?
Through what functions of the mind
Could he pinpoint the pinnacle point of self-deception?
His point being post-dejected reflection
Is it nothing more than the subjection of repeated emotional annihilation
That leaves the heart drained of love
And the soul shattered in pieces along the trail of life?
In the end he could do nothing but follow the trail
Sometimes backtracking to gather the glittering pieces
Of something he lost...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

In Rerum Natura

I’ll abandon the wayward ways of language
To walk a straight path under trees arrayed in their funeral best
I’ll let the pungent smell of sweetly rotting leaves under my feet travel through my nose
And unlock the door that leads to memories of childhood past
I'll embrace the silent sun with open arms and open heart
And feel the peaceful quiet burgeon in my soul
Like springtime flowers © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Welcome Back

To what depths can you/will you travel? Puddle deep? Ocean fathoms? I've had to face some hard truths lately. Truths about myself, my perception of people, and the world. For most of my life I've had energy projected onto me and have in turn projected it onto others. Because of certain physical attributes that I possess, I started being objectified at an extremely early age. I always resented it, but learned to use it to my advantage in self-defense. Much of the time it worked for me, but just as often, maybe more often than not, it has hindered me. The role/archetype that I played superseded the real. So now I say to myself, "Welcome back," and to everyone else, "Watch out, because you ain't seen nothing yet..."

Thank you Joan, Deborah, Edwin, EJ, and Brett for your insights and guidance :-)

Dante's Pitch

All that glitters isn't gold....
The art of seduction is so very old
Insidious, and metaphorically rich
As lovely and sharp as the devil's pitch
Words that make one giddy like fine champagne
Behavior that leads to physical pleasure, but spiritual pain
He's come to me in such an innocuous guise
Cleverly mixing the truth with his lies
Wrapped in a cloak of spiritual beauty
His darker half is doing twice double duty
But he doesn't realize he has underestimated his prey
I may seem easily directed, but I won't be led astray
Be very careful Dante, with all of your snares
You might get caught, yourself, in the scintillating glare
Of your higher consciousness' accusing light
Remember that you function within God's infinite sight
The spirit placed me here to help you choose a higher path
To avoid the consequences of God's considerable wrath...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

A Heart’s Truth

I smiled with my eyes
And shed tears in my soul
I used laughter as a disguise
But in time it took its toll
I tried to find refuge in sleep
But you haunted my dreams
I tried to tuck the memories of you deep
But they came bursting through the seams
Deep inside me I yearned
All I wanted was you
I tried to forget the lesson of love I’d learned
And accept that we were through
But something inside me
Wouldn’t let it be
That something inside
Wouldn’t let me flee

You were the answer to my question
You were the sweetest part of me
You were a beautiful lesson
In time, I had come to see
But what use is an answer
If the point of the lesson’s no longer there?
When sweetness gives way to bitterness
What’s the use of having learned to care?

I don’t want to ask the question
I don’t want to know
I don’t want to make a confession
I don’t want to save my soul
I just want you back
I just want your love
I just want to be with you
Life without you is a reality I can’t conceive of

Is it ever too late when it comes to love?
Can true love ever die?
Can you escape something sent from above?
Can fear and pain turn a heart’s truth into a lie?
If our love was true then
It should still be true today
What’s meant to be forever can never end
A bond like that can’t be broken, only frayed

Love can wither and fall…
Mutilated, in the battle between two hearts
But it can grow back tall
It can make a new start
Just give it a chance
I know you won’t feel regret
Let yourself get caught up in this romance
Let’s create those memories we’ll never forget
Don’t let our future become clouded
With regrets from our past
Let’s let our hearts become crowded
With only positive feelings that will last

The question is, “What is love?”
The answer is, “It’s you.”
Happiness can only be found if we’re together
That is my heart’s truth© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

A Truth About Disengagement

I was conversing with my son yesterday when I came to an awful realization...When we become adults, never again do we feel love for another person that isn't marred by other antonymous emotions. As our bodies become tainted by all we allow, or seek to welcome into them, so our wells of love become tainted by our experiences, both firsthand and vicarious. Our inheritance of loss.

I thought of how I've dealt with my own experiences and how I could guide my son to a better path. One where he will lose much less and maybe gain more courage than I possess.

It's all too easy to disengage, to neglect to garner the strength to make a supplicating gesture to another...Easy to allow pusillanimity and false pride to grow in the fertile soil of regret until they become wide, tall trees that block the light of love and cover you in the dark shade of desolation...

In keeping with my cowardice, I realized that I have developed the habit of associating love with absenteeism, or what I disingenuously call freedom. It's so much easier to love an ideal, safer too, but so lacking in the richness,purity, and unselfishness the voluntary enslavement that deep love often demands can bring.© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Disappearing Acts

We experience magic everyday. Disappearing acts. Our dreams vanish as we wake, either burned up in the sun's penetrating glare, or wilted in the gloom of a cloudy day. They disappear and are replaced with memories.© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Sacrifice

There was only one thing that I desired: Pleasure
But I came to understand that seductively silky desires have hidden edges
Edges so sharp that sometimes we don’t know we’ve been cut
Until honor
Integrity
And innocence
Lie splattered in viscous red puddles at the bottoms of our souls
I learned through pain that cut two ways that we are burdened with the responsibility of consequences...
Consequences derived from careless affection,
Misguided intentions,
And selfishness...

Pleasures can awaken you to knowledge
Like forbidden fruit
Supposedly the sweetest kind
But I doubt that Eve would agree... © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Tempus Neminem Manet

These days, I am living life in a hurry
Rushing through joys, sorrows and worries
Making connections at an accelerated rate
Seeing early, what others see late
Gifting people with an evolved kind of love
Feeling that oneness with the creator above© All Textual Rights reserved by Kristiana Bennett