Check Mate

 
Clever queen, I maneuvered my way through all of the subtle and most obvious plays 
Masterfully 
Sensual aestheticism, sexual teetotalism, romanticism, sadism, masochism, hedonism 
Calculating many moves in advance, I played the game mercilessly 
Surrounding my opponents with a plethora of carefully crafted traps 
I kept my love fortressed behind invisible walls that many broke themselves against 
Refusing to welcome my destruction by embracing the most pertinacious of instincts... 
I vowed never to surrender to the capricious whims of the human heart 
My fortress was freer than freedom, if the path to it was ephemeral love, 
Because it was constructed solidly and openly with the manifold pleasures of a solitary existence 
I'd rather be a prisoner of life than a fool walking a tenuous path, I concluded 
Until 
Him 
I, who prided myself on my wickedly razored skills, found myself disarmed and stepping blindly and willingly into the intricate skein of the softer human emotions 
I found myself happy, not a happiness derived from a place of ataraxis, 
But a happiness spawned from the most contradictory emotions 
It started more subtly than pure physical excitement 
Passing each other in treacherous currents in the midst of disaster 
I subconsciously dreamed he'd lay siege to my heart and submerge me in the torrents of a sweet and stormy love 
Passing casually, we'd share a look 
A smile 
A quick burst of energy 
Only to keep going about our business, blithely unaware of what was in store 
A chance encounter on a different playing field 
We engaged in conversation that led to engaged possibilities and realities 
The battle was so pure 
It gave birth to the beginning of a limitless and vulnerable affection 
He ensnared me with abstinence 
And then he conquered me by impenitent penetration 
I took him first into my soul, then into my core 
So that when he thrust into me, he tore a hole into the fabric of my reality 
My vision clouded 
My senses hummed 
Lines and shapes converged and diverged 
And I listened to my moans and raspy gasps as if from another place 
My body, ripe for his plundering 
And my convoluted mind, which had distrusted so long, learned to love and then to believe, were my gifts to him 
Like a bouquet of fire flowers, I detonate in celebration of his victory 
And gladly, I realize 
That he is my prison 
© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett 
For A.P.I. 

Closely Distant

Beat down daily by deficiencies and mistakes 
Reminded of the endings that are to come 
Calculating the risks and the stakes 
Caught in a game that's zero sum 

Dancing mentally in a lover's waltz 
Spinning and whirling so beautifully out of control 
Tripped up by the pointed barbs of our faults 
We skirt the edges of the chasms of our souls 

Words spoken and unspoken, a heavy, bruising weight 
Keep us from transcendent bliss 
Instead, crush us into a flat, brittle state 
And hang us over the frightening emptiness of an abyss 

Adamantine, you are cushioned and enveloped by me 
As you lie on me and inside 
For a few ecstatic moments you set me free 
For a few moments I have no desire to hide 

Tobacco and mint flavor your tongue 
And hungrily I lick and taste 
As all of your essence is wrung 
And we lie pleasantly interlaced 

But even connected we are still far apart 
As those secret fears, insecurities and unasked questions intervene 
And so we cut to pieces our own hearts 
As we hide behind our cowardly, loving miens… 
© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Monster in the Mirror

Silence 
The debris of accumulated emotional garbage scattered around 
Unseen 
But felt in the core 
A heaviness in the chest 
A roiling in the abdomen 
Emptiness in the head 
The buildup of rage 
Ate away at my control like acid
 Until it snapped 
My voice, deep and hoarse and roaring, sounding like someone else's 
Spewed all of the poison of my innermost soul 
And I watched it make its insidious way into his psyche 
Until it reflected on his face 
Ugly, naked pain 
The savagery of my joy transformed me
For one hot, meretricious moment 
Made it worthwhile 
I was no longer his whipping boy 
No longer his emotional prisoner 
No longer his devoted victim 
I was the monster he painted me to be 
Striking and drubbing with heavy wood and heavier words 
He hates me, he said 
Well, I dislike him 
Almost as much as I love him 
And resent him 
And yearn for him 
And want to nurture him 
And pity him 
That gossamer thread that binds us so tightly in unholy confederation 
Looser now 
But still there 
Always there 
Despite the illusion of a schism 
Passionately we love and hate the parts of ourselves we see reflected in the other 
With cowardice we accept the parts we have given to each other as we act out this unoriginal tragedy 
Lusus naturae both
Lusus naturae with bleeding hearts 
Tortured souls 
And minds twisted and tangled into the traps 
That we use to hurt the ones closest to us 
And ourselves...
Always ourselves... 
 © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Blockage

She gazed at him, catching glimpses of renegade tenderness
That seeped through his habitual bland-faced pleasantness
Like rays of sunshine through blinds
Seriously and sincerely, he spoke to her about nothing
Politics and work issues (just more politics) and the routine of his day
She tossed him soft little questions that he could easily swallow and
regurgitate answers from
Knowing that if she attempted to dish out meatier inquiries
The answers would stay purposefully lodged in his throat
He would choke on them before he let them out
So, silky, sharp silence would be the answer
There was no defense against that silence,
His weapon of choice that wielded its own justification
What word, or combination of words, were a match against such cold steel?
So she swallowed heavy language and thoughts and feelings
Swallowed them whole
Choked them down
And held all of the syrupy and salty confidences she wanted to share,and her desire for reciprocity, deep in her intestines
Constipation of the soul…
She learned to be satisfied with little in defense
His absence even when he was there
Carefully maintained distance
So as not to be devoured by her need, or his own
His willful passivity
And disinterested frigidity
Until
Her bloated belly began to look like a beginning
The size and shape and weight of it waiting to burst forth
Like the birth of something beautiful
But when the time came,
In a frightening rush only a plentiful pile of shit topped with bitter bile was the result...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Treacherous Terrain

Meandering through the multifarious territory of her heart
She came across fragmented memories of abandoned friends,forgotten lovers, disregarded acquaintances and treasured enemies
She observed the frozen tundra of regret
Viscous puddles of lasciviousness
Mammoth mountains of wasted potential
And carefully cut swathes of humiliation and demoralization that reached the epicenter of her being
She worked so diligently to avoid the perils of the journey that the very force of her resistance worked against her
The more she tried to skirt the evidence of the consequences of her unfortunate choices
The more she was drawn into the pitfalls of her reality
She realized that God had not made the same traps out of the months and years, but progressively more intricate ones
That left her furiously enervated
And hopelessly motivated
To discover the reason for her being both
less and more than what she was...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Caught

The hopeless victim of my own failed ambitions
I am oppressed by the weight of an uncertain future
Caught in a Byzantine web of opinions and expectations
I am in knots
The measure of my self worth
Encased in those ties that bind me so closely
I cannot measure up
That's what they tell me
And I hear them down in the deepest part of my soul

Pummeled and crushed by all of the opportunities that have passed
Unable to allow a path for those that will come
I languish
Pursuing only what I know I can do
Smiling, to please them
Experiencing what limited happiness is available in my tangled shroud
I laugh
As I am being smothered to death © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Fruition

The light in your eyes, a warm-embered glow,
is frozen into memory. My heart turns to it for sustenance,
leaving the seeds of that tender plant to sow
Some memories are the nourishment that helps fledgling love to grow
in even the most emotionally-leached soil of the soul

You, the sweetest of dreams,
created a beautiful reality with me
Lushly and hurtfully green,
where everything and nothing is just what it seems
And the most obvious imperfections remain unseen

Where the stark loneliness of winter is deceptive at best
And budding love's spring sets the stage for what comes up next
The voluptuous passion of summer fading into the inevitable desiccation of Fall
Where beauty is lies and lies are beauty, and that is all...

© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Andrew

All too often you travel through the inroads of my heart and mind

Navigating effortlessly through my most carefully crafted defenses

Day after day you get a little closer to the center of my heart

Revealing to me what it means to want to share myself completely

Everything about you is so precious to experience and see

Whatever makes you happy is happiness to me

© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Short Fall

Momentary madness, I loosed my wayward heart from its cold cage to drift its way
To you
The silly sedulous thing...
Like Travis Barker playing staccato beats its insidious music formed a soundtrack
Whose pulsatory rhythm lulled my legion defenses
And soothed me into dreaming a dream of unconditional regard...
Who would have thought the demise of my carefully crafted aloof guise
Would be found in eyes that reflect the blue of the skies
And create an atmosphere full of lofty dreams of tenderness and trust?
But I must
Stay tethered to my reality platform
Because
A fall that happens close to the ground
One can recover from © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

For Andrew

Po(a)p(i)py

Chaotic, hypnotic images and feelings blossom within me
A mixed bouquet of sweetness intertwined with bitter twisted vines that yield the poison fruit of fear
They run rampant in the fertile soil of my soul
You make me want to run
Away
And to you
To stay
In the haven that your arms and heart offer
A bright flower amidst dull weeds, you induce a feeling of euphoria
Addiction
Consumes me
You sicken me
With your lovely, languid sweetness
Your beauty has ensnared me so completely, love
That I want to, in turn, pluck you
Harvest your potency
Drink it down until I am lost
In you
Until nothing is left
But you
In me
As I lie
Found
Inside of you All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

For Andrew

Tangled Up In You

This day, like a warm woolen blanket
Covered the evidence of my hypertrophied heart
Gave me a plausible alibi for the resulting exuberance
And formed a lovely background for the artistry of two souls and bodies entangled in the grass

Blue skies with scudding clouds
Were a worthy distraction
From eyes that saw too much
And pierced through my flimsy facade like a sword

Cerulean turned to cobalt
And white puffs of air to orange, pink, purple and gray
As the heat disembogued from daylight star
Turned into the cold breath of night

As I was lying down
Tangled up in you
On the cool, hard ground
I found
That cold night air
Doesn't stand a prayer
Against the warmth generated
From feelings that are shared

While I contemplated the rightness of the wrong
And the wrongness of the right
I realized that nothing within me was prepared, or willing to fight
The destruction of the darkness of solitary shade
An unconscious decision was made
And so I stayed...
And prayed
That the sweetness of those moments would not ever end
And that even though I could not comprehend
How my friend and I could transcend
The boundaries of time and place
I would one day understand
The magnitude of the gift we were given...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

For Andrew

Familiar Stranger

He has spring sky-colored eyes
The sort that hold the remnant of winter's cold with the promise of summer heat
Lips made to sin, corruptibly curved
In a face that is at once friendly and reserved
He's a study in contrasts
Strong, yet sensitive
Astute, but a practitioner of selective perception
He wields his intelligence like a deadly weapon
Laid back, but definitely extremely alert
He piqued my curiosity
Provided fuel for an intense desire
To bask in the blaze of his intellectual fire
He is a comfortable companion
But he evokes conflicting sensations in me
I find myself blushing for no reason
Feeling like my affinity for him makes me guilty of treason
I wonder what purpose lies behind our meeting
I hope that we can share time and energy
Without any of the drama I abhor
And I hope that he sees that my intentions are pure
I recognize his spirit
And see its similarities to my own
I hope that he will understand that I truly intend
To allow every opportunity for us to be friends... © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

For Andrew

Flake in the Snow

I dream I am a snowflake floating against a pale, gray sky
Dancing in the breeze, cold and wet
Until I come to rest in the warm hand of a man
I melt as he closes his hand around me
I melt into a river that winds its way across his skin
Soaking into him
As he enjoys being covered in my liquid warmth
I enjoy the heat of him
But then I evaporate
And he can't feel me anymore
And he again holds out his hand
For the next snowflake that comes along...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

A Love Supreme

Have you ever watched a hazy, gray sky turn blue?
It's like a picture of love coming into focus
One moment, there is a veil of uncertainty and insecurity in the air
A whiff of promise
Then, the catalyst
The heat of passion like the heat of the sun
Feeding the heart with its light, burning through the veil
Until nothing but the purity of blue is left
Vivid and rich
A crystalline quality to the air
Hidden vistas revealed
The birds, the wind, the smell of the earth
All making me nostalgic for the pure love I had known
Before I was born into this flesh
Turning me into a danger, but never a threat © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Discernment

I observe from afar, aware of your unspoken need for respect and appreciation
I listen to the soundtrack your spirit emits
Attentively examining your character under the flickering glow of your hopes and fears
I yearn for us to mingle energy
Perhaps you and I might find something between us, besides a penis
Because I believe that you came across my path for a divinely intended purpose
And such joys come undeceived
Please grant me a chance
Not at romance
Just enlightenment
Permit to discover within the realms of our conversations
Necessary stimuli to maintain mutual admiration
And respect
Erasing the prejudices created by our previous relations
Seeking steadfast focus on us, and what we may in time become:
Lifelong friends
Open the door to your mind and heart
So that I can see through your eyes
I want to take the time to see that which isn't advertised:
Your heart and your trust
You keep them hidden on a back shelf in your soul
Where they collect dust
Because you refuse to allow yourself to be vulnerable, or emotionally honest
Because you too fear sharing them with someone who just won't give a fuck
And hand them back to you all used up and putrid
Like some shit
But unlike most others, I am one who chooses to do right
Holding my head high
I'm constant like constellations
I am not afraid to tell the truth, or to receive it
And I see through eyes that can penetrate the most carefully crafted facades
So I sit here, trying to replace doubt with reassurance
Converting hesitation into synergy
Emotional overflow
Perhaps we can help each other to see what we've never seen
And what we've been too afraid to know© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Merry F***ing Christmas

Kristiana: Santa, I've been texting u like mad, yet have received no reply. I haven't been bad, so I keep trying 2 figure out why?

Santa: Kristiana, my dear, remember I see all, the great things you've done & the bad no matter how small, I must remind u that even when there's no light, I can still see the naughty things u do in the night, & you've been naughty. SMH.

Kristiana: WTF?!!

Kristiana: Santa, dear Santa, don't u think ur out of line? The stuff I do at night is my business, yes mine! Isn't there an age limit to ur evening viewing? There should b bcuz u don't need to see what adults r doing!

Santa: Kristiana, my dear, ur response says a lot. Ur defensive reply shows that good, you are NOT! Needless to say, u r not getting gifts. And I don't really care to hear if u r miffed.

Kristiana: Santa, rethink ur course of action. U better care about my satisfaction. U rn't the only 1 with the power of sight. I know the naughty things U'VE been doin’ at nite.

Santa: Kristiana, U don't possess magical powers like me. Even if u did there's nothin 2 c. I'm St. Nick, & above reproach. There's nothin about my behavior u need 2 broach. Nothin u say'll make me fear u. Watch out, or u won't get anything next year 2.

Kristiana: Santa, you really don't want to f**k with me, I have no qualms about calling you out you see. Don't think that I don't know, the REAL reason you say, "Ho Ho Ho!" You should be on top of the naughty list. Who are you to judge after all the women you've kissed? And not just on the lips. You've kissed your fair share of breasts, legs, and hips. And no, I am not talking about chicken. Those weren't only Mrs. Claus' parts you've been lickin'...

Santa: Kristiana, you have no proof. I'm Santa Claus, nobody would believe the truth. I tried to tell you to quit while you were ahead. On Christmas day don't even bother to get out of bed. There will definitely be nothing under the tree for you. And if you keep up with the slander I will definitely sue. So silence is what you should definitely choose. A fight with me is one you'll lose...

Kristiana: Santa, you should know me better than that. You know I don't shrink from getting down on the mat. Go ahead and don't leave me anything under the tree. And you will find out how sorry you'll be. I am not one of those silly chicks you can trick. I have the skinny on you and your d**k. You shoulda known one day it would catch up to you. Your little racket is definitely through. I love how small cameras are now. You can take all kinds of pictures that leave no room to disavow.

Santa: Prove it.

Kristiana: Sending...

(After about 10 minutes)

Santa: Kristiana, I was only joking around with you before. I'll give you what you want plus much much more. So, what was it you said that you'd like? A watch, a ring, a car, a motorbike? You can have whatever you like, my dear child. I've always said you had a good heart underneath all the wild. Whatever you want, really, just let me know. No matter what it is to the ends of the earth I'll go. I'll get you all kinds of treasures. Getting you your heart's desire will definitely be my pleasure.

Kristiana: Santa, you've annoyed and disgusted me with your hypocrisy. I wish the childhood image of you is the one I could see. But no, it's been replaced with images of your ass. You want to give me presents now, but I will pass. There's only one thing I want and it's for you to just handle your primary business. And with that I will say Merry F***ing Christmas. Santa you have acted so foolish, That I think I just might switch to being Jewish... © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Gapping the Bridge

Here you come again, with all your sweet words
Telling me things, I’ve already heard
Looking at me with those deep, bedroom eyes
I cannot resist being soothed by your lies
Abused and consumed by those lies

I said goodbye, I watched you go
But deep in my heart, I already know
You will be back, to take more of me
And I’ll try again, to be what you want me to be
Not what I need to be....

I wish I had the strength to just end it clean
The ability to say and stand by what I mean
Because I can hear the bridge between us snap
Every time you come and go it just widens the gaps

You came back to me, you couldn’t stay away
I let you come, because without you my days were so gray
But soon enough, you made me regret giving in
It’s always a battle that neither of us wins
In the end neither of us ever wins....

Back and forth we’ve gone now, for much, much too long
Trying to start over new, or right the old wrongs
But this time around, there’s no bridge left to cross
Just a wide channel filled with a deep river of loss
All hope of love drowned in a river of loss

I wish I’d had the strength to just end it clean
I wish I’d been able to say and stand by what I’d mean
Because all of the love in my heart has been tapped
And all that is left are the pieces of a bridge that was gapped © All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Encounter

A simple catastrophe
The exchange of idle pleasantries, while thinking of possibilities
From the first glance a connection was made that transformed the situation
We went from being complete strangers,
To necessary acquaintances
I saw through the sanguine smile
And intuited that his heart had traveled many miles over rocky terrains
He was a shadow in the deep blue of dusk
At a point where he needed a rest stop
I thought my heart would pop
Because...
My body felt the heat of hellfire
And higher my spirit went
Thinking, he's from heaven sent
I, wanting to rejoice, counted my blessings in his presence
Praying for communion with his soul
So the world might bear witness to my testimonies
Notion of him and his spirit in ME
More and more conversations transpired
Produced sparks that led to intellectual, physical and emotional brushfires
A precursor to the denouement
He, a supernatural phenomenon
Voice resonating with intelligence
Body boasting confidence
Silently proclaimed that he was king of this concrete jungle
I tried not to underestimate his game
Calculating each move like Bobby Fisher
I attempted to figure out how to position myself to put him in mate
Defining the moment I met him as fate
I titled each consequent meeting as destiny
At this point, all reason deserted me
I got ensnared seeking the divine
Through eyes that were blind
He bore my soul away
And now nothing but a hole remains
A sweet melody absent of refrains
He forced an anomaly in the emotional equation because my affection was unrequited
I was enslaved by his teasing caresses, passion, empty promises and dirty talk
I followed behind him stumbling, while he walked
I, the sentimental fool
Constantly the martyred one
Allowed my being to accept the tab for the greater sum
Of mindless infatuation
In my efforts toward emotional prosperity
I have come to acknowledge that the truth about love
Is that it is nothing more than an unquestioned fallacy we take for granted
In order to live
Yet, I know that again my soul I'd give
To the rack
To be wrought
On hot irons....© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Consider This

We, descendants of our most primal cousins
Existing in so chaotic a state
We spend most of our time trying to keep ourselves sufficiently satiated
Never truly completely evolving into ourselves
Moving through life via the vehicles of our most primal desires
Hunger, lust, mental stimulation, social acceptance
Overly concerned with protecting our own insecurities and fallacies
In life we create systems to sheriff such deficiencies
Be it marriage, sexual exploits, politics, or organized religion...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett

Wall Street Lover

You lied to them
Selling them lemon dreams of happiness
Wrapped in green paper promises of security, wealth, independence and freedom

You successfully seduced them all
With all of your deceptively beguiling wiles

Fickle lover
You allowed some of them unlimited access to your charms
Others, you only gave a stingy sample
A sample that only served to intensify the hunger
Still others, you only allowed a glimpse of your naked promise

Tawdry tease
The glimpse only made them yearn the more
The sample only made them strive that much harder
To bring about the fruition of desires you never intended to fulfill

Those with free access found out too late that it wasn't really free
They had sold their souls for a dream

How many licks does it take to offend?
How many dollars must one spend?
How many rules must one bend?
How many crooked politicians must one defend?
How many ethics must one amend to transcend this treacherous activity that has us suspended in this state between heaven and hell?

Salacious siren
Those who aren't deafened by your pecuniary pleas
Who aren't blind to the fine print
Clearly see the writing on the wall
Know it's time for you to fall

You spread a disease from which so many must recover
But that's what they get from taking on such a whorish lover...© All Textual Rights Reserved by Kristiana Bennett